Well the shingles have turned into major itching spots. I have pain med but not itching med. It is quite uncomfortable. Could not sleep last night for all the itching. I almost took some of the pain med to put me out of my misery but opted not to. Finally fell asleep early this morning. I will now buy some itching meds. I cannot stand it. Somebody better put socks on my hands, so I don't make it worse.
We have been playing lots of cards with my mom. I have not won any games. This used to really bother me. I would get mad and huff off, sometimes even throw my cards everywhere. I was very competitive and had to win. In fact I was that way with any game I played and any sports I played. It was not a pleasant site to see in me, and people didn't like playing against me or with me. I have had to work on it a lot. I have to make choices in the middle of games that it was okay to lose. I had a mantra for awhile, it is okay to loose, you are here to be with the other people. But now I can play and loose every game and it doesn't matter, because I am enjoying being with the other people.
I have to do a genogram for the class I am taking on Healthy Family Systems. I have been interviewing my mom about her family and dad's side of the family. I asked her where I got the competitiveness from. She thought about it and remembered I used to play cards at my grandparents and that they were always competitive and that I probably learned some of it from them. I think it is also because I was insecure and wanted to be number one, not be a loser because I already felt like one inside. I hope that I can be competitive when I need to, but not in a bad way, but also enjoy the people I am with. And I hope I can keep liking myself and being comfortable within myself too.